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There’s something else that comes to mind a lot-I wouldn’t say it was the best sexual experience. There’s no specific time, just that period of our relationship. I didn’t fake a single orgasm, I was so satisfied and contented and sopping wet all the time.
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The best sex I ever had was when my partner and I were long distance early in our relationship. I think he really likes my breasts and I think he would be really sad if I ever got rid of them, so that’s a conversation we have to have if I ever do decide to medically transition- things might change then. He likes to take off my binder, he has a good time with that. I expected him to not be attracted to me anymore, but no. Transitioning didn’t change my sex life, surprisingly. I joke with him like, “I met you, I thought you were gay and then I was like, ‘I’m gonna make you gay.’” I was not the first masculine-presenting person he’s been with. I will say that he is often attracted to queer-looking people. I was like, “Oh! You’ve been flirting with me while I’ve been trying to set you up.” He was so handsome and hot and I was like, hell yeah, this rules. I was like, “Are you gay or queer or what?” I was shocked. Finally I asked him point blank why the set up didn't work. I tried to set him up with my roommate, who was a gay man. When I first met my boyfriend, I actually thought he was gay. I love the name you picked.” He was on board right away. It’s an internal newsie hat.” But immediately he was like, “Wear my clothes, we’ll share a wardrobe and I’ll call you by this new name that you’ve chosen for yourself. I had to be like, “No no, if I wear those hats, I’ll look like an asshole. He was like, “Oh, if you want, I’ll give you a newsie cap.” It was this sweet moment of him being on board immediately and accepting me in a kind of misguided way. He’d worked in a hat shop in Seattle for a long time and he has a lot of hats. When I told my partner, he was really funny. I was actually watching Newsies and they were all singing together and I had a breakdown and I started bawling and I recognized a feeling of intense gender envy and secondhand gender euphoria. My partner and I were loving each other and having intimacy in other ways outside of sex and I think that allowed me to feel settled and secure enough to arrive at the notion that my gender might be something else. The actual sex I was having was so bad, but I needed it all the time. I do love sex, but my libido is much smaller now that it’s not tied to my self worth. Then during the pandemic, I’d been in a loving relationship for a while and I’d stopped pretending to be a horny little fuck freak. I didn’t really believe in gender, but I was still very feminine-presenting and clinging to womanhood for a lot of reasons. I told that to a group of friends and a twink who was there that night was like, “No you’re not.” And I was like, “Okay, sure. Interestingly, at first I was like I think I might be a trans gay man. I came out as nonbinary in 2017 and I don’t remember exactly what led me to that realization. I knew that I was nonbinary, but I was still very much performing-so much was about performance and making the other person like me and proving something to myself. When I first met my current partner, I was still very feminine-presenting, if not completely binary. Since I’ve come out and started to transition she’s been liking all my posts-she’s kind of cheerleading me from the sidelines. I was a part of that and it left me very emotionally confused. That couple was constantly cheating on each other-they weren’t open. I’ve had them a few times in my life and they’ve always been really sexually charged. I feel like there’s a very specific type of feminine friendship where one party is terrified of the other. Queerness allows you to want to embody the thing that you also want to fuck. Heterosexuality is a lot of things, but I think the toxic version that we have around is very much rooted in the fear of the other while also being attracted to the other. It’s interesting to look back at that moment and be like: There’s layers. That’s who I’d been attracted to prior to my transition and now I’m actually embodying that in a way that feels so much more connected to me than anything sexually outside of myself. I was usually the funny sidekick character in my own life. Pippin sang a song and I just remember identifying the feeling of like, “Oh I’m turned on by this silly little guy.”
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They were just two silly little guys and they were really cute. The first time I was turned on by something was when I saw Return of the King with my parents at the local cinema. I started masturbating when I was young, not knowing what I was doing. This week: Luke, who is 29 and nonbinary transmasculine. Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sex life.